Bullying - The Power of M

Picking up the threads from my last note, the need of the hour is to focus on being solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented, towards our children or even our life situations. By this I mean that many a times, we get caught up in discussing what is not right with our lives and in the process making everything seem wrong. What’s more? We end up feeling even more miserable and more convinced that our problems are too great to have any solutions! What a pity!!I would say it is actually just the opposite because each time we encounter a new situation or face a new challenge, it means that we need to shed or mend our old ways and think of a new game plan. These are opportunities in disguise that keep us from stagnating; the chances life gives us to think anew and begin afresh, ‘because there’s no end to learning and no stop to adventure!Next time you catch yourself going ‘Blah blah blah’ about your child or husband or work, stop and say, ‘Hey wait a minute! Maybe I can think of something we could do to overcome these problems...’Taking the charge, being open to changing views and behaviors, pledging to remain happy and being hopelessly hopeful are the rules of the game. Ready to play??
- Kirandeep

Counselling Answers by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member
(for the week 9-16 February 2008)

I read your suggestions for students and thought of writing to you about my problem. I am a high school student. Lately I am being teased very often by my class mates. They pick up anything I do or say and make it a laughing stock. I am frustrated and don’t know what to do. If I tell them that it makes me angry, they say I am ‘un cool’. Don’t you think they are being so un cool in teasing me? I don’t want to tell my parents or teachers about it. It will simply become a big issue. What do I tell them that will shut them up completely? -Rosette

Answer by Kirandeep

I appreciate your courage to come up with this issue. It is indeed tough sometimes to deal with class teasing. But I want you to know that it is not impossible. • You have tried telling your class mates not to tease you. That is a brave step you took and I think you can definitely deal with this.
• You can think of telling your parents, trusted teacher or principal about this. It helps when someone elder and responsible is informed about what is happening. This will also make you feel secure and stronger in dealing with them.
• If they continue to tease you, just remember that you are better than them and you have better things to do. So take off from the situation or at least take your mind off it. Think of your good qualities, the people who trust you and your close friends. Remember that what they are saying to you is not true and you are much better than that.
• It may help thinking of how they feel about themselves if they talk like that about you. You must pity them actually for not valuing themselves by doing such acts. Imagine them as little children crying for attention.
• Last but not the least; ignore them as if they were invisible and inaudible. If you happen to cross tracks, imagine all of them shrinking and contracting in front of your eyes, till they look small like crawling ants. Have a good laugh at your imaginary scene and move forth.
• Stick to your own group and your own people. Make yourself comfortable and don’t worry.

Such phases are a part and parcel of life but we must be strong, confident, positive about ourselves and a little imaginative ;) Strengthen your good qualities and keep reminding yourself constantly of them. Repeat to yourself, ‘I am good, capable and loveable.’

My teenager son just celebrated his birthday party. A few of his friends bought him really expensive gifts. The problem now is that we cannot afford to get such expensive gifts for his friends and my son insists that we buy them something for an equal amount. He says that he feels embarrassed to give something of lesser value. I explained to him that we will buy the best of gifts within our budget. I generally suggest books because they are a life long companion. So, I said that we can get them some really good book, worth reading and the book will be such a thoughtful and useful gift, not expensive but reasonable. My son agreed at that time but I am wondering whether I did the right thing. Don’t you think we should set a limit on the price of gifts and still gift the best we can?
-Amanda, London.

Your confusion is understandable. You also seem to be a very conscientious mother. Well, I would like to say that it is absolutely fine to decide the upper limit for gifting. There will always be people who can and will gift above and below your limit. It is an individual choice. Gifts are an expression of love and the feeling has to be valued more than the price. Maybe his friends are very rich and can buy such gifts. If you are uncomfortable accepting them, you could mention it to them to avoid bringing any gifts for the party next time. If they still do bring a gift, say ‘Thanks’ and accept it. If it is too expensive and you are uncomfortable accepting it, say so and politely refuse the gift. You can use your judgement to decide what is appropriate at that point of time. It is important to teach our children the value for money, budgeting and planning finances. You can also take the help of this book.



This incident is an important lesson for your child about affordability, differences among people’s opinions and capacities and decisions regarding finances. Besides, he can now also learn to pick out the best within his budget. Good going!

Lacking Interest & Reading Habits

This is a wake up call for all the parents and teachers to modify their ways and develop better ways of dealing with their children. Children are crumbling under the pressures of academics, parental expectations and teachers’ remarks and many of them don’t know who to go to for help. They feel trapped and are extremely prone to depression, aggression and even suicide!

High time we scrutinize our age old parenting and teaching practices. What we don’t realize is that the needs of this generation are different from our generation and what worked for our parents with us as children, may not work for us with our children. We are continuously evolving and so are our children. They are much more outgoing, achieving, competitive, capable and smart than we were at their age. They also face much more stress at their age today. So, we cannot use the same techniques that our parents used, with our children. It is as ridiculous as trying to kick start a pushbutton - start bike!

Skill and technique, combined with sensitivity and understanding are the mantra for today’s parents and teachers. We need to develop the right balance between our expectations and our children’s needs. We need to practice more effective and alternative means of communication, disciplining and educating our children. Something that is more friendly and less authoritative, more reassuring and less criticizing, more trusting and less doubting. Let us honestly examine our parenting practices and fill in the loops. What say?

Write to me and let me know what you think of this. If you have experimented with new parenting or teaching methods, feel free to share here.

- Kirandeep

Counselling Answers by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member
(for the week 9-17 February 2008)

Dear Kirandeep,
I am a thirteen year old girl from Delhi, India. Off late, I have become very cranky and irritated. I don’t like if any one tells me or advises me on anything. I just feel so edgy that I prefer to be by myself nowadays. I just feel that nobody understands me and that I am alone. I don’t even feel like studying nowadays. I feel under confident and unsure of myself at times. I’m confused. What to do?-Anna, Delhi.

Dear Anna,
You said you are thirteen years old. This is the age when you start thinking on your own and build your own identity. Moreover, your body hormones are at a high, causing you to feel unstable and edgy. Mood swings, sadness, confusion and lack of confidence are very normal feelings to have at this stage. What is important is not to get carried away by these emotions. Let them come and go. Don’t feel too concerned with your changes of emotions. It will naturally stabilize in a few years.

Just be aware of what you are feeling when and accept it as a part of life. As long as you are aware, you will keep your emotions in control.

It is also good to know what situations make you angry and mould the situations or yourself accordingly. It is also helpful for you to know about the things or events or even people who make you feel unconfident. Once you know them, you will be mentally prepared to deal with them the next time.

Practice the art of saying what you want to, without offending people. Make known to your close people, what you want and don’t want, your likes dislikes, etc. This will help them know you better. But don’t assume that they know what you want, without you telling them.
Know that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Mind what you think about yourself too. Don’t be too negative and critical of things in you or around you. Remember that whatever happens, happens for the good and trust life.

Think positive about yourself and about the people around you. Many times our own negative thinking is the cause of our anger and sadness. So why invite these visitors. Keep them at bay.
Keep your good qualities in mind. ‘Strengthen your strengths and weaken your weaknesses.’
Meditate to steady your mind. You could also do deep breathing for 15 minutes everyday and relax yourself. Once you are relaxed say to yourself, ‘I am capable, I am loveable and I am happy.’ You can even replace these statements with your own. Just remember they should be positive statements.

You could also write down your feelings and thoughts in a personal diary. Penning down concerns gets a lot of clarity to them. We begin to think from various angles.

Remember, each person has his or her own distinct angle of looking at things. For example, if you place the picture of two concentric circles in front of a group of people and ask them to say what the picture looks like, each will have his or her own interpretation of it. Someone may say it looks like a saucer, another may say it looks like a doughnut. Yet another might be viewing it as a steering wheel. So, each person has his own unique way of looking at things. We must appreciate this fact, instead of expecting to meet clones of ourselves. Respect each view, because it is precious and give room to others to be themselves. The same even applies to you- Give room to yourself to be you. Don’t be mislead by what your friends think and do. You’ll be happier if you are you.

Put things in the right perspective and you will conquer all your difficulties. I wish you the courage to experience this stage of life with awareness, responsibility and positivity! God Bless!!

Dear Kirandeep,
My son who is in class seven does not feel like studying at all. I keep telling him how important it is to study and do well in life but he just does not seem to understand. Earlier he would like to go down to play with his friends but now he does not even want to play. I am confused what is wrong with him. At school, he is an average student but if he does not study, he will fail. What should I do? How can I make him develop an interest in his books?-Neeta, Mumbai.

Dear Neeta,
You mentioned that your son is in class seven, which means he has entered his adolescence. At this age, as you might know, children get a little distracted and curious about various things. They prefer to spend time with their age group and be in touch with them to share their experiences and thoughts. Although it is very difficult for them to find suitable friends to share their feelings with, they still want to be a part of the peer group.

Your son probably is also going through such things. What he needs from you is awareness about his feelings because he wants you to be his friend too, but might not say it. He needs you to still care for him and let him know that he is wanted.

He needs to feel that his wishes and thoughts are more important than his marks. He no doubt needs to study well at this point of time but he definitely would be hating it when you tell him time and again to go back to his books.

It is difficult for him to concentrate on his studies when there is so much happening in and around him. So persuade him keeping all this in mind. Then he will feel that you understand him and in turn he would also probably reciprocate by studying.

Secondly, you could use a few motivators for him to study. This means that when he studies, you make his favorite drink or food, or allow him to play 10 minutes extra, watch TV for a while and also praise him each time he studies. Adolescents do need a boost of self confidence sometimes. In the long term goals, you could use other motivators. For example, if he has scored above average, or even a little above his capacity, or even average but you know he put in hard work, then you could buy him something that he would appreciate or value. You can decide what you want to get him according to your budget.

I would advise you not to react too negatively, if he doesn’t wish to study sometimes. This is because; sometimes adolescents don’t want to do something they are told to do again and again. They tend to feel frustrated with constant reminders. Let him take his own time and settle down to study when he wants. This way, he would know that now you are not the one who is behind him, so he has to do it himself, without being told.

We, as parents must aim to make our children responsible and self reliant. So, being mere policemen to them sometimes doesn’t help. Let him face the consequences of not doing his work in time and he will realise on his own. Allow space for this kind of experimentation, because otherwise we cushion our children to protect them from consequences.

Initiate an initial planning of the learning work to be done. Both of you come up with a day to day plan of study time, play time, including a detailed plan of what subject to do on which day, etc. Once the plan is ready, tell you son to sign on it and follow up with you on what is done and not done. Also let him come- up with the consequence himself, if he fails to live up to the plan and the reward that he wants, when he sticks to the plan.

Remember, adolescents need a healthy mix of studying, playing and time with friends. Recognize this need and act accordingly.

Study & Memory Problems

Many times, we take life very seriously. We feel that our problem is the end of the world. But you never know! It might just be a beginning of something new and better. This is where we can actually learn from our own children, how to be happy and how to live in the moment. They do not worry about the future, nor ponder over the past. They just live free. They may not know their History and Geography, but surely they know one thing, (better than most of us), and that is how to be happy. And it doesn’t end at that! They also spread happiness around. How many of us actually can and will do that- be happy and spread happiness? We are too busy and way too involved in our cares and worries to admire this gift of our children. In fact, eventually, we do manage to crush their carefree spirit under the pressures academics and society. We so easily forget that all that we do is so that we can be happy. But in the whole process of gaining happiness, we forget to be happy. So laugh a lot and smile often. Better still, laugh and play with your children and see the happiness double!!

- Kirandeep

Counselling Answers by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member
(for the week 1-9 February 2008)

I have a son who is in class six. He is very energetic and active. He is intelligent but hates studying. He is an average student, who scores 50% marks. He fails to complete his class work in school and therefore, lags behind. As of now I have enrolled him in a tuition class and even I take up his study in the morning before he goes to school. His dad also is concerned about him doing well, so he is very strict about study. He takes up our son’s tables when he drops him to school. We all are trying in our own way to ensure that he does well in school but I get frustrated at times when he doesn’t sit to study with me. Sometimes I even raise my hand on him.
How is he going to deal with so much competition? How is he going to become something and earn a living? He is our only son. I have two elder daughters, who are doing well at college and work. Only this child is slightly slow and average. Please tell me what to do?

-Mrs. Kalpana, Ahmedabad

Answer by Kirandeep

Do read my note above and take time to think over it.

You seem to be very concerned about your child’s success. I can understand that you want your child to score good marks and do well in school.

Let me tell you that the capacity, inclination and aptitude of each child are different. So, if you expect your son to be as brilliant at academics as your daughters, you may be expecting too much out of him. Besides, drawing comparison with his ‘brilliant’ sisters might even make him feel that he is not good enough. It would make him feel sad that he cannot live up to the expectations of his parents. If you know his capacity, you need to accept him as he is and give him the space to express what he likes to do. He needs to put in efforts and work hard on his academics but don’t expect him to put all his time only in study. He seems to be doing that already- begin his day earlier than his peers to study, then give up his tables to dad, than spend half his day studying in school, come back home and go for tuitions to study, come from tuition and complete home work or go to play or watch TV. He is spending most of his waking hours to something related to study and you want him to study more? He obviously is not going to feel like studying in this scenario. It is probably crossed the limit for him.

It is not important how many hours he gives for study. What is important is that even if he sits for an hour, but will full concentration and willingness, it is worth five hours of compulsory study. It may be getting very monotonous for him to just do one thing everyday. Let him do other things of his interest too. It will mobilize his energies and refresh him. He will be able to study better.

Ask him how he would like to plan his study and leave a little responsibility to him. Let him understand the importance of studying himself. Now he knows that that you are there to take care and worry, so he does not bother about it. But once he realises that he is going to decide when he wants to study, whether he wants to complete his class work, etc. and when he faces the consequences of his own actions, he will realise on his own. So, why don’t you relax a little and redefine the rules of the game?

Dear Kirandeep,

I am a student of class 10. I am working very hard on my academics. I study for five hours daily besides my school time. The problem with me is that I forget what I have studied. I just black out and don’t seem to remember even what I had studied very well. I need to study the chapter once again to remember it better. But that wastes a lot of my time. Can you tell me ways in which I can study and remember better?

Thank you.
- Natasha, Pune.

Answer by Kirandeep

I appreciate your query. It speaks of your dedication towards your studies. The concern you have is very normal and can be dealt with.

First of all, you are in the tenth, which is a crucial year because it decides the college you get into. So, there is a marked pressure to do well this year, which is why nervousness may be playing a role in your forgetting. Secondly, if you are mugging up your chapters by repeating or reading again and again, instead of understanding, there is a greater chance of you forgetting it later. Thirdly, if you do not regularly revise what you have learnt, only some percent of the learnt information enters your long term memory, which is why you remember very little of what you actually studied.

Let me discuss each of these three reasons in detail now. If your tenth is giving you the shivers, you need to relax a little. Take time out to unwind and recharge and then come back to your books, all refreshed. It could be anything, a walk in the garden, a game of badminton, a chat with a friend, anything. You can even try out deep breathing and meditation to help you calm your mind. In deep breathing, you take a series of long deep breaths. Imagine that you breathe in fresh air and breathe out all your tension and stress. Think a few positive thoughts and repeat them to yourself, such as, ‘I remember everything that I have studied’; ‘I am clear, confident and capable’. Do this exercise everyday for five minutes and see the difference it makes!
Exercising or playing out in the open will also give you the refreshing effect. Remember, your brain needs lot of oxygen to work well.

Drink plenty of water. It keeps the brain awake and thinking. Watch your diet. Avoid eating junk food as they give only calories and no energy. Have lots of fruits and vegetables. Eat a balanced diet. Your diet influences your energy levels and overall health. It will help you to combat stress.
About the second point, you need to understand what you are studying. If something does not make sense to you, there is less chance of you remembering it later. Moreover, true knowledge is obtained by good understanding of various subjects. If you have doubts or can’t understand something, you need to get it clarified by your teacher, parents or friends.
Thirdly, I would stress on the importance of revision in memory. If you just revise (i.e. review/ read) once what is done in school every day after coming back home, trust me you’ll understand and remember much more. If you have studied a particular topic today, you must revise it tomorrow. Revision is as important as learning. There is no alternative to it.

Last but not the least, I wish you luck and wisdom to clear this year with flying colours! All the best!