This is a wake up call for all the parents and teachers to modify their ways and develop better ways of dealing with their children. Children are crumbling under the pressures of academics, parental expectations and teachers’ remarks and many of them don’t know who to go to for help. They feel trapped and are extremely prone to depression, aggression and even suicide!
High time we scrutinize our age old parenting and teaching practices. What we don’t realize is that the needs of this generation are different from our generation and what worked for our parents with us as children, may not work for us with our children. We are continuously evolving and so are our children. They are much more outgoing, achieving, competitive, capable and smart than we were at their age. They also face much more stress at their age today. So, we cannot use the same techniques that our parents used, with our children. It is as ridiculous as trying to kick start a pushbutton - start bike!
Skill and technique, combined with sensitivity and understanding are the mantra for today’s parents and teachers. We need to develop the right balance between our expectations and our children’s needs. We need to practice more effective and alternative means of communication, disciplining and educating our children. Something that is more friendly and less authoritative, more reassuring and less criticizing, more trusting and less doubting. Let us honestly examine our parenting practices and fill in the loops. What say?
Write to me and let me know what you think of this. If you have experimented with new parenting or teaching methods, feel free to share here.
- KirandeepCounselling Answers by Kirandeep :
Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member(for the week 9-17 February 2008)
Dear Kirandeep,
I am a thirteen year old girl from Delhi, India. Off late, I have become very cranky and irritated. I don’t like if any one tells me or advises me on anything. I just feel so edgy that I prefer to be by myself nowadays. I just feel that nobody understands me and that I am alone. I don’t even feel like studying nowadays. I feel under confident and unsure of myself at times. I’m confused. What to do?-Anna, Delhi.
Dear Anna,
You said you are thirteen years old. This is the age when you start thinking on your own and build your own identity. Moreover, your body hormones are at a high, causing you to feel unstable and edgy. Mood swings, sadness, confusion and lack of confidence are very normal feelings to have at this stage. What is important is not to get carried away by these emotions. Let them come and go. Don’t feel too concerned with your changes of emotions. It will naturally stabilize in a few years.
Just be aware of what you are feeling when and accept it as a part of life. As long as you are aware, you will keep your emotions in control.
It is also good to know what situations make you angry and mould the situations or yourself accordingly. It is also helpful for you to know about the things or events or even people who make you feel unconfident. Once you know them, you will be mentally prepared to deal with them the next time.
Practice the art of saying what you want to, without offending people. Make known to your close people, what you want and don’t want, your likes dislikes, etc. This will help them know you better. But don’t assume that they know what you want, without you telling them.
Know that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Mind what you think about yourself too. Don’t be too negative and critical of things in you or around you. Remember that whatever happens, happens for the good and trust life.
Think positive about yourself and about the people around you. Many times our own negative thinking is the cause of our anger and sadness. So why invite these visitors. Keep them at bay.
Keep your good qualities in mind. ‘Strengthen your strengths and weaken your weaknesses.’
Meditate to steady your mind. You could also do deep breathing for 15 minutes everyday and relax yourself. Once you are relaxed say to yourself, ‘I am capable, I am loveable and I am happy.’ You can even replace these statements with your own. Just remember they should be positive statements.
You could also write down your feelings and thoughts in a personal diary. Penning down concerns gets a lot of clarity to them. We begin to think from various angles.
Remember, each person has his or her own distinct angle of looking at things. For example, if you place the picture of two concentric circles in front of a group of people and ask them to say what the picture looks like, each will have his or her own interpretation of it. Someone may say it looks like a saucer, another may say it looks like a doughnut. Yet another might be viewing it as a steering wheel. So, each person has his own unique way of looking at things. We must appreciate this fact, instead of expecting to meet clones of ourselves. Respect each view, because it is precious and give room to others to be themselves. The same even applies to you- Give room to yourself to be you. Don’t be mislead by what your friends think and do. You’ll be happier if you are you.
Put things in the right perspective and you will conquer all your difficulties. I wish you the courage to experience this stage of life with awareness, responsibility and positivity! God Bless!!
Dear Kirandeep,
My son who is in class seven does not feel like studying at all. I keep telling him how important it is to study and do well in life but he just does not seem to understand. Earlier he would like to go down to play with his friends but now he does not even want to play. I am confused what is wrong with him. At school, he is an average student but if he does not study, he will fail. What should I do? How can I make him develop an interest in his books?-Neeta, Mumbai.
Dear Neeta,
You mentioned that your son is in class seven, which means he has entered his adolescence. At this age, as you might know, children get a little distracted and curious about various things. They prefer to spend time with their age group and be in touch with them to share their experiences and thoughts. Although it is very difficult for them to find suitable friends to share their feelings with, they still want to be a part of the peer group.
Your son probably is also going through such things. What he needs from you is awareness about his feelings because he wants you to be his friend too, but might not say it. He needs you to still care for him and let him know that he is wanted.
He needs to feel that his wishes and thoughts are more important than his marks. He no doubt needs to study well at this point of time but he definitely would be hating it when you tell him time and again to go back to his books.
It is difficult for him to concentrate on his studies when there is so much happening in and around him. So persuade him keeping all this in mind. Then he will feel that you understand him and in turn he would also probably reciprocate by studying.
Secondly, you could use a few motivators for him to study. This means that when he studies, you make his favorite drink or food, or allow him to play 10 minutes extra, watch TV for a while and also praise him each time he studies. Adolescents do need a boost of self confidence sometimes. In the long term goals, you could use other motivators. For example, if he has scored above average, or even a little above his capacity, or even average but you know he put in hard work, then you could buy him something that he would appreciate or value. You can decide what you want to get him according to your budget.
I would advise you not to react too negatively, if he doesn’t wish to study sometimes. This is because; sometimes adolescents don’t want to do something they are told to do again and again. They tend to feel frustrated with constant reminders. Let him take his own time and settle down to study when he wants. This way, he would know that now you are not the one who is behind him, so he has to do it himself, without being told.
We, as parents must aim to make our children responsible and self reliant. So, being mere policemen to them sometimes doesn’t help. Let him face the consequences of not doing his work in time and he will realise on his own. Allow space for this kind of experimentation, because otherwise we cushion our children to protect them from consequences.
Initiate an initial planning of the learning work to be done. Both of you come up with a day to day plan of study time, play time, including a detailed plan of what subject to do on which day, etc. Once the plan is ready, tell you son to sign on it and follow up with you on what is done and not done. Also let him come- up with the consequence himself, if he fails to live up to the plan and the reward that he wants, when he sticks to the plan.
Remember, adolescents need a healthy mix of studying, playing and time with friends. Recognize this need and act accordingly.
