On Stress

Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member

On Stress

How has this week been? Hope you took time to chew on the workshop material on parenting. Well this week as promised, we are going to discuss about stress coping methods and relaxation.

I discovered that it is very essential to be relaxed and calm to be able to function effectively. It is very difficult to solve problems, perform well and negotiate when we ourselves are stressed about something.

WHAT IS STRESS?

It is a perceived feeling of inadequacy of personal resources to deal with our situation. Stress develops when we see the situation/ problem as bigger than our strengths and resources. At the end, it boils down to just our perception. Why then, do we get so carried away by stressful situations? Why do we fail to maintain our composure during the same? Well, call it ignorance or lack of practice.

Well but it’s never too late to begin afresh and start anew. So, here are some stress- busting techniques just for you!

WE NEED TO HAVE A REGULAR SCHEDULE TO BEGIN WITH.
Include the things that you must do and want to do in your schedule. Keep aside time for exercise, brisk walks, jogging, swimming, anything that you enjoy. Keeping our body active generates a feeling of well being and energy. So don’t miss out on physical activity.

THE NEXT THING IS TO CALM THE MIND.
You can do this by regularly breathing deeply and thinking of all the positive things in and around you. You can even begin your day with a thank you list to God. You’ll be surprised there are so many things to write and feel happy and confident.

KEEPING OUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK ALSO HELPS.
Know when you are feeling overwhelmed by any emotion and reflect on the same- what causes you to feel like that? How does it affect you and others? What can you do to make it constructive rather than destructive?

LETTING GO OF PERFECTIONISM contributes tremendously to a healthy and happy life and relations. So this is a good practice with our spouse and children, even in- laws. Giving importance to excellence rather than perfection is an important lesson we arrived at in the workshop.

GIVING TME TO YOUR OWN SELF
It was agreed upon that we all need to spend quality time even with our own selves, to reflect on things, to indulge in our hobbies, to catch up on some fun, etc. So, we do need to make time for ourselves in our busy schedule of work and parenting. It is good to explain to your child why you are doing so.

MANAGING TIME WELL EMERGED AS THE KEY MANTRA FOR GOOD PARENTING.
If we are organized in our own work and decide limits on how much we can do in a given day and also leave room for some eventualities, we have dealt with half our problems already.

This discussion was followed by a live demonstration of one of the relaxation techniques. It was a 30 minute session of peaceful relaxation and positive visualization. There were two pregnant ladies present for the session too. They too felt very relaxed and positive after the session.
Well, this was the description of my workshop in a nut shell. Hope it helps as reflection material for happy and relaxed parenting!

- Kirandeep.

Workshop on Parenting (4 & 7 Marc)

Workshop by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member

Hello everyone!
First of all I would like to thank all the parents who turned up for the ‘Joys of Parenting’ workshop conducted on the 4th and 7th of March. Hope you took home a lot of useful learning and wish you lots of joy and happiness in parenting. Hope to see you for the forthcoming sessions too!

A brief overview of my workshops for those who missed it:
The ‘Joys of Parenting’ session which was conducted for parents of children aged 2 to 10 years included:

1. Sharing of parenting problems
2. Going back to own childhood
3. Principles of joyful parenting
4. Making certain resolutions

1. The problems discussed by parents included problems with children and personal problems.
The problems with children were rebellious behaviour, tantrums for obtaining things, disobedience.

The problems of parents themselves were time pressures, sacrificing own career (especially mothers), single parenting (where husband is generally away for work).

2. Then we had an activity where the parents actually close their eyes and try to relive childhood memories- remembering how they felt and thought as children, the people who mattered to them and why, the kind of upbringing and family atmosphere they got, the unique ways of their parents or care givers, everything they can remember.

Then they were asked to compare the way their parents were and the way they are as parents.
The point is to prove that we unknowingly adopt the parenting styles of our own parents when we have children. So the key is to identify those similarities and review whether they are working for us or not.

3. The key principles of joyful parenting discussed were:

-Enjoying our children rather than worrying about them.
-Letting go of perfectionism that your child will be good at sports also studies also and dance also.
-Allowing our children to live a carefree childhood and focus more on their morals, knowledge and spiritual development.
-Accepting our child’s capacity for getting marks or doing things.
- Not comparing him with another child.
- Being positive about our children and speaking positive about them.
- Offering choices instead of issuing orders. In this way they learnt to make and stick to their word. 'Do you want to switch off the TV after five minutes or ten minutes', rather than yelling or persuading. Even if he chooses the ten minutes option, at least he has himself decided to put it off.

4. Finally a resolution was made for each of the problems:

For rebellion: Reason- Appealing by good and convincing reasoning rather than ordering.
For disobedience: Offering choices- Children themselves chose whether they will do what you re saying then and here or after five minutes.

For disciplining: Avoiding harsh punishments or words. Using methods such as time out where the child is supposed to sit in a corner for a particular time (according to age) without you talking to him or vies a versa

Tantrums: Ignoring tantrums for things you don’t want to give your child. Not giving in even after some time. Not rewarding tantrums at all, even though it may get embarrassing.
Sibling rivalry: Giving both your children equal time and affection to avoid the feeling of jealousy. Not siding with any child during a fight. Ask them to resolve it on their own, with a little help from your side.

The 7th March session was on relaxation and coping with stress. I will discuss about that the next time. Till then chew on these thoughts and also try and get your hands on this book by Peggy J. Jenkins for young children, ‘Nurturing Spirituality in Children’. It has simple hands on activities about the same.

-Kirandeep.

Exam tips

The exam fever is catching up as the month is progressing. So let us now shift our discussion on performing well in exams and keeping the exam chills at bay. Yes! It is possible! Let me show you how. There are a certain things that ensure exam success:

1. PREPAREDNESS OF THE SUBJECT MATTER
2. THOROUGH REVISION BEFORE THE EXAM
3. RELAXED AND COMPOSED STATE OF MIND DURING EXAM
4. RECALL OF STUDIED MATERIAL
5. PRESENTATION OF ANSWER PAPER
6. COMPLETING THE PAPER WITHIN THE GIVEN TIME FRAME

Let us look at each of these criteria and understand how we can achieve them.

Firstly, BEING PREPARED WITH THE SUBJECT MATTER is of crucial importance. This is possible through good planning and regular study. It requires commitment, focus and determination. Also, we need to be knowledge oriented, not just exam oriented, thus making study an interesting rather than monotonous activity.

Secondly, our planning has to include at least ONE WEEK OF REVISION BEFORE THE EXAMS. Revising thoroughly helps in retaining the learned material better. In fact, it has been proved that if we only learn material and don’t revise it after some time, we begin to forget most of it. Thus, revising is as important as learning and must not be ignored.

Thirdly, BEING RELAXED DURING EXAM ensures a positive frame of mind. It wards of unnecessary tensions and reactions. We can avoid panic and black outs just by doing deep breathing before the exam. Moreover, if we have successfully completed the first two steps, it would be easier to relax at the time of exams.

It is also important to THINK POSITIVELY about our capabilities. Tell yourself, ‘I am confident. I remember everything that I have studied and I will do well.’ It is important to believe in this mantra because finally, people who achieve are the ones who believe in themselves. If you know any MEDITATION, you can practice it every morning before going for your exam. If not, you can just find a quiet place and sit there for a few minutes, with your eyes closed and focus only on your breath. Notice your breath and be aware of each time you inhale and exhale. Do this for 10 minutes and see how relaxed you will feel.

The fourth criterion is RECALL OF STUDIED MATERIAL during exam. While revising before exams, close your book and try to visualise the chapter you have studied. Try to tell all the possible details that you can remember. Then open the book and cross check. Relearn what you have missed out. This is a very effective way to test yourself and enhance your recall. During exam make it a point to first read the question paper fully and mark out the answers you are going to solve. This gives you an idea of the type of questions asked and also gives you time to reflect on the questions you don’t know. For tough questions or essay type answers, you can first scribble in rough the main points of the answer and decide the order of the points. This will help in organising your thoughts and covering for memory lapses too. It is a very useful technique.

Pay attention to the PRESENTATION OF YOUR ANSWER PAPER. Your writing must be legible and neat. Avoid scratching out mistakes too many times. Draw a line after each answer or after each section. The way you present your paper makes the first impression on the examiner. So, get him at the first go! But mind you! You also have a TIME FRAME within which you need to complete the paper, otherwise all the above steps would be futile. It is finally completing your paper that marks the successful completion of your entire study. You need to take care of your presentation, recall keeping the time limit in mind. If you don’t know an answer, leave place for it and get back to it later. Solve at least all that you know first. You know, ‘A bird in hand is worth two in a bush.’ So, secure the marks of what you know and can answer and then go back to trying the ones you don’t know.

SOME MORE EXAM TIPS:

1. Eat and sleep well before the exam. It will keep your mind fresh.
2. Sip on water regularly to keep you hydrated and keep your mind at work.
3. Avoid discussions about answers with your friends just before the exam.
4. In the exam hall, calm yourself down by breathing deeply.
5. Say to yourself, ‘As soon as I pick up my pen, I immediately remember and write answers to all the questions.’ ‘I remember all that I have studied.’
6. Never attempt to cheat when you don’t know something. It is alright to forget or not know some answers. That does not mean that we should cheat. Take the exam in full integrity and sincerity. If you get caught, you would have to face the consequences too.
7. Don’t encourage classmates to ask you the answers during the exam either. You waste your time and can get caught. Avoid cheating either ways.
8. Time each section during exam and follow the time rule.
9. If you take extra supplements, number them immediately to avoid confusion later. Also write your roll no. on each supplement just in case they get misplaced during processing.
10. Set some time aside to revise what you have written and to underline and draw lines after every section. Revision helps to trace and correct silly mistakes. We may also remember some more points and add them later while revising.

Hope you find these tips useful. Do write in to me and let me know how they worked for you. Till then, good bye and good luck with your exams! Keep the faith!

-Kirandeep

Adolscence - Values

Let us discuss adolescence today. Now, adolescence is this storm and stress period both for the child and the parent. Things that the child obeyed till yesterday suddenly seem to be rejected. Children get rebellious, outrageous and impatient. It is a time of a major shift from childhood to adulthood and we all must go through this stage to grow up. Well, the phase is different for different people. It depends on the family system, how democratic or authoritarian it is. It depends on the company our children have, the kind of values we have demonstrated to them through our own behaviour and what their school environment is like.It is important in this scenario to at least ensure that we as parents our doing our duty fully. We need to ensure their moral and spiritual development. We need to make them feel comfortable in sharing their experiences, thoughts and desires. We need to set clear guidelines and rules with substantial and appealing reasons for them to reduce their rebellion. We also need to facilitate a sense of direction and goal orientation in our adolescents since that would keep them focused during this time of distractions. We need to be aware of the changing world and equip our children well for dealing with the world. Where to begin is the big question. As the famous saying goes, ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” the key is to start off with an intention and through persistent effort and Divine guidance, continue to move up.

- Kirandeep

Counselling Answers by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member
(for the week 16-24 February 2008)

ADOLESCENCE

I was going through your response to the mother of a teenager, in the archive on parenting. I too have a 15 year old son. I got to learn a lot from your answer. I would like to know how I can keep my son focused on constructive activities. I don’t want him to waste his time day dreaming or watching TV. Are there some specific activities you would suggest for him? - Anita

Anita,
I’m happy that you are thinking on the solution mode as I had mentioned in my previous note. Isolating the problem and coming up with specific solutions is the best way to deal with even some nagging issues. As for your adolescent, there are definitely some constructive activities he can do.
- ENCOURAGE KNOWLEDGE ORIENTED ACTIVITIES- reading the newspaper, solving crossword puzzles, watching quiz or ‘National Geographic’, Discovery, etc. You could organize mock quiz sessions at your place.
- ENCOURAGE OUTDOOR GAMES like badminton, football, volleyball, tennis and even indoor games like chess, carom, etc. You could also play something together and create a bonding time with your son.
- If he is fond of ELOCUTION, WRITING, MUSIC OR ANY OTHER HOBBY, let him pursue those. They will ensure his all round development. He could take part in dramatics, elocutions, etc. You could even encourage him to write articles on issues that he feels are important and get them published in children’s magazines and newspaper. This way he will develop a flair for writing and expressing well.
- ASSIGN FEW RESPONSIBILITIES exclusively to him, like checking whether all the switches are turned off, the doors and windows are locked, the main door is locked at night. Or you could pick a relatively safer responsibility like seeing to it that the newspaper goes in the shelf at night after everyone has read it or fetching your younger daughter from the bus stop. You could ask him to be the dinner table in charge, wherein he has to place the necessary cutlery on the dining table. It could be any little responsibility, which he values and which makes him feel good. - Remember, once you assign a responsibility, you have to pay him in terms of praise and good comments.
-DON’T CRITICIZE. LET GO OF PERFECTIONISM. Let him do it his way.I hope these guidelines are sufficient to set you thinking of more such activities to constructively engage your son. Remember to applaud him for engaging in these activities and stick to his interests and likes as far as possible. Good luck!!

INCULCATING VALUES

How do I inculcate values in my adolescent son? He seems to be going the wrong way. I have always guided him as to what is the right thing to do but now I feel he is no longer listening to me. He is more influenced by his peer group and does not care as much of how his parents are feeling. It is painful to deal with and also worrisome. How can I cope better with this situation and help my son at the same time? - A concerned mother.

Your concerns are understandable. I would request you to read my answers in the first article I wrote on PARENTING. It addresses your query about peer group influence and behaviour shifts in adolescence. With respect to your second query- ‘How can I inculcate values in my adolescent?’ I would like to suggest a few things. - A child learns values by observing his elders- parents and teachers. So, if you portray a good value base to him, he will naturally learn what is expected of him. So the best way to teach values is to EMBODY THOSE VALUES and practice them, rather than only preaching. - You will encounter various situations with your child, spouse, in laws, etc. where you would need to be patient, understanding, caring and loving. All these are the very values you want your child to learn. So, make use of these SITUATIONS TO COMMUNICATE VALUES loud and clear to your son.
- USE TEACHABLE MOMENTS that a thought provoking film or programme provides. Through the medium of these events, you can discuss the values portrayed and exchange your views and feelings about the same.
- USE OTHER LIVING EXAMPLES OF VALUES and relate it to the success of that person, so your child knows that values are important for succeeding in life. You could use examples like your national figures, any known person, anyone from the neighbourhood, his professor, etc. - You could search for SONGS OR STORIES WITH VALUES and print it for him. Gift it to him on a suitable occasion. You could find a lot of them online through Kidsfreesouls Search Pages! Just type what you are looking for and you will find a whole range of options. - You could also check out this book :