Adolscence - Values

Let us discuss adolescence today. Now, adolescence is this storm and stress period both for the child and the parent. Things that the child obeyed till yesterday suddenly seem to be rejected. Children get rebellious, outrageous and impatient. It is a time of a major shift from childhood to adulthood and we all must go through this stage to grow up. Well, the phase is different for different people. It depends on the family system, how democratic or authoritarian it is. It depends on the company our children have, the kind of values we have demonstrated to them through our own behaviour and what their school environment is like.It is important in this scenario to at least ensure that we as parents our doing our duty fully. We need to ensure their moral and spiritual development. We need to make them feel comfortable in sharing their experiences, thoughts and desires. We need to set clear guidelines and rules with substantial and appealing reasons for them to reduce their rebellion. We also need to facilitate a sense of direction and goal orientation in our adolescents since that would keep them focused during this time of distractions. We need to be aware of the changing world and equip our children well for dealing with the world. Where to begin is the big question. As the famous saying goes, ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” the key is to start off with an intention and through persistent effort and Divine guidance, continue to move up.

- Kirandeep

Counselling Answers by Kirandeep : Kidsfreesouls Team Crew Member
(for the week 16-24 February 2008)

ADOLESCENCE

I was going through your response to the mother of a teenager, in the archive on parenting. I too have a 15 year old son. I got to learn a lot from your answer. I would like to know how I can keep my son focused on constructive activities. I don’t want him to waste his time day dreaming or watching TV. Are there some specific activities you would suggest for him? - Anita

Anita,
I’m happy that you are thinking on the solution mode as I had mentioned in my previous note. Isolating the problem and coming up with specific solutions is the best way to deal with even some nagging issues. As for your adolescent, there are definitely some constructive activities he can do.
- ENCOURAGE KNOWLEDGE ORIENTED ACTIVITIES- reading the newspaper, solving crossword puzzles, watching quiz or ‘National Geographic’, Discovery, etc. You could organize mock quiz sessions at your place.
- ENCOURAGE OUTDOOR GAMES like badminton, football, volleyball, tennis and even indoor games like chess, carom, etc. You could also play something together and create a bonding time with your son.
- If he is fond of ELOCUTION, WRITING, MUSIC OR ANY OTHER HOBBY, let him pursue those. They will ensure his all round development. He could take part in dramatics, elocutions, etc. You could even encourage him to write articles on issues that he feels are important and get them published in children’s magazines and newspaper. This way he will develop a flair for writing and expressing well.
- ASSIGN FEW RESPONSIBILITIES exclusively to him, like checking whether all the switches are turned off, the doors and windows are locked, the main door is locked at night. Or you could pick a relatively safer responsibility like seeing to it that the newspaper goes in the shelf at night after everyone has read it or fetching your younger daughter from the bus stop. You could ask him to be the dinner table in charge, wherein he has to place the necessary cutlery on the dining table. It could be any little responsibility, which he values and which makes him feel good. - Remember, once you assign a responsibility, you have to pay him in terms of praise and good comments.
-DON’T CRITICIZE. LET GO OF PERFECTIONISM. Let him do it his way.I hope these guidelines are sufficient to set you thinking of more such activities to constructively engage your son. Remember to applaud him for engaging in these activities and stick to his interests and likes as far as possible. Good luck!!

INCULCATING VALUES

How do I inculcate values in my adolescent son? He seems to be going the wrong way. I have always guided him as to what is the right thing to do but now I feel he is no longer listening to me. He is more influenced by his peer group and does not care as much of how his parents are feeling. It is painful to deal with and also worrisome. How can I cope better with this situation and help my son at the same time? - A concerned mother.

Your concerns are understandable. I would request you to read my answers in the first article I wrote on PARENTING. It addresses your query about peer group influence and behaviour shifts in adolescence. With respect to your second query- ‘How can I inculcate values in my adolescent?’ I would like to suggest a few things. - A child learns values by observing his elders- parents and teachers. So, if you portray a good value base to him, he will naturally learn what is expected of him. So the best way to teach values is to EMBODY THOSE VALUES and practice them, rather than only preaching. - You will encounter various situations with your child, spouse, in laws, etc. where you would need to be patient, understanding, caring and loving. All these are the very values you want your child to learn. So, make use of these SITUATIONS TO COMMUNICATE VALUES loud and clear to your son.
- USE TEACHABLE MOMENTS that a thought provoking film or programme provides. Through the medium of these events, you can discuss the values portrayed and exchange your views and feelings about the same.
- USE OTHER LIVING EXAMPLES OF VALUES and relate it to the success of that person, so your child knows that values are important for succeeding in life. You could use examples like your national figures, any known person, anyone from the neighbourhood, his professor, etc. - You could search for SONGS OR STORIES WITH VALUES and print it for him. Gift it to him on a suitable occasion. You could find a lot of them online through Kidsfreesouls Search Pages! Just type what you are looking for and you will find a whole range of options. - You could also check out this book :